The Day I Wasn't Ready For - PCOS


January 14, 2019.

The day I wasn’t ready for.

 It was a Monday. Nothing good ever happens on a Monday.

I had spent years dreading this day. 

The day that I would walk into a doctors’ office and all the months of fear, self doubt, confusion, and just plain frustration would come to fruition. The day I would sit before a doctor and tell him ALL the things that no one knew. All the things that you keep quiet because 

ONE, it takes time to get pregnant.

TWO, you might have thought that some home remedy you read about on Pinterest was going to fix the problem (seriously Alex thank you for being such a good sport and taking so, SO many cold showers).

And THREE, which might be the hardest of all, the shame of having a body that “doesn’t work”.

By the time I was sitting before the doctor I had already WebMD my symptoms, cried, prayed, did home remedies, cried some more, bought cute baby stuff for everyone else in the world who seemed to be getting pregnant, tricked myself into thinking I was pregnant only to find a negative pregnancy test and now the time had come for me to share this with a stranger in a white coat everything I was holding in for years. 

Alex and I had been trying to have a baby for 3 years and it seemed like “luck” was not on our side. I explained my whole story, how I hadn’t been on birth control, my periods seemed irregular, and that I finally gave into the fact that maybe my infertility was going to need more intervention then wishful thinking, prayers, and good luck.

It felt like before I even finished talking my doctor knew what was happening to me. He knew the signs. His life has been dedicated to seeing these signs and fighting them.

Even though I felt like I had mentally prepared myself for any diagnoses he could tell me, I mean I had “Done My Research”. I was not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually ready for him to say the words that would come out of his mouth. 

 “You have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) and it is very unlikely if not impossible for you to get pregnant without medical intervention.”

I had NO idea the storm that was coming my way. 

The brokenness I was going to feel. The frustration. 

The aggravation with the human race and how they choose to show “comfort” that feels like jabs to my infertility.

I also was NOT ready for the kindness and support I was going to find and am still finding only two months later. 

There is SO much that has changed about my life in the last two months and I know that so many woman out there are seriously struggling with infertility or the crap symptoms of PCOS. 

My storm is still here. 

It doesn’t seem to be going anywhere any time soon.

But over the last two months I have taken this storm head on. Picked up some tricks and stories along the way that I thought would be fun to share. Hopefully this will help to someone else not start at ground 0. If that is possible than I will always air my laundry on the outside. Anything to look back on one day and be amazed at the journey so many people are taking behind closed doors.

Today I am opening the door.